last lines: clears his throat Attention. Tonight's movie has been 'M.A.S.H.'

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Follow the zany antics of our combat surgeons as they cut and stitch their way along the front lines, operating as bombs - chuckles: operating as bombs and bullets burst around them; snatching laughs and love between amputaions and penicillin.: Watches as a jeep rolls away Did Hawkeye steal that jeep?: No, sir. That's the one he came in.: Oh, very good. Come along, my dear. Leslie leave: Follow Hawkeye, Trapper, Duke, Dago Red, Painless, Radar, Hot Lips, Dish and Staff Seargeant Vollmer as they put our boys back together again. a montage of cast members starts: Starring Donald Sutherland, Elliott Gould, Tom Skerritt, Sally Kellerman, Robert Duvall, Jo Ann Pflug, Rene Auberjonois, Roger Bowen, Gary Burghoff, David Arkin, John Schuck, Fred Williamson, Indus Arthur, Tim Brown, Corey Fischer, Bud Cort, Carl Gottlieb, Dawne Damon, Tamara Horrocks, Ken Prymus, Danny Goldman, Kim Atwood, Michael Murphy, G. Wood, Rick Neilan and Bobby Troup.: Goddamn army.: That is all.

a gong sounds and the screen suddenly goes black. End of movie. : Well, what's the matter with her today?: I don't know, I think it's one of those ladies' things.: It's not like her to act like this. She's a bitch, look at my new flannel coat. She's going to have a nervous breakdown.: She can't even get out of the door, look. Hawkeye sits down with Frank: Morning, Frank. Heard from your wife?

A bunch of the boys asked me to, uh, ask you, Frank, what Hot Lips was like in the sack. You know, was she.: Mind your own business.: No Frank, you know, is she better than self-abuse? Does that- does that big ass of hers move around a lot, Frank or does it sort of lie there flaccid? What would you say about that?: What's Going on over there, is he getting pointers or something?: Oh no, Hawkeye's trying to get him on an appearance tour.: Ohhhh, is that a fact?: Would you say that she was a moaner, Frank? Seriously Frank. I mean, does she go 'ooooh' or does she lie there quiet and not do anything at all?: Keep your filthy mouth to yourself.: Or does she go 'uh-uh-uh'? Frank leaps over the table and attacks Hawkeye: Get him off me!

I've got glasses. Get him off me!: What's going on, Frank? That lesson one?: Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!: Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye! That man is a sex maniac; I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him.

Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye! : You men just passing through?: I was just enjoying that lovely dish there. Refferring to Lt. Dish: Captain, you are speaking about a lieutenant in the United States Army.

And I'm Colonel Blake.: Oh, Colonel. I'm Duke Forrest. Your new cutter. And that's my driver over there.: Captain Hawkeye Pierce.

whistles: Captain Hawkeye Pierce. I got a TWX about you. It seems you stole a Jeep up at headquarters.: Oh no no, no, sir, I did not steal a Jeep. No, it's, uh, right outside. Right there.: Oh, so it is. Captain Forrest, don't you know that when you report to your new duty station, you go to your commanding officer with a copy of your orders?: Uh, Captain.

Pierce, is it? Captain Pierce and me have just been boozing all day and.: Good. You've been working close to the front. : Hawkeye and Duke barge in Henry, you've got to do something.

We've stuck it out for a whole week now. to Duke, gesturing to Lt.

Leslie: Pretty girl, ain't she?: Yeah. She's the type that really grows on ya.: Uh, what is it, men?: That sky pilot. You have got to get him out of our tent.: YOUR tent?: Yeah get that nurse in there. She don't look like the type to keep you awake all night prayin'.: I've been in the Army a long time. I know what you fellas are trying to pull, but you're not going to push me around.: Henry, not for the world would I push you around. But look there is one more thing: we need a chest cutter.: Yeah, we gotta get an A1 chest cutter in here right away, Henry, or we're gonna be in a hell of a lot of trouble.: Forget it. No MASH unit has a chest surgeon, and we're not about to get one.

You guys are gonna have to go in to work early today.: Boy, Henry, you work those kind of hours, you really need your rest, and you can't get it with a sky pilot jabbering to Heaven all night.: Major Burns will be out of your tent in 24 hours.: Henry, there is just one more thing.: I told you Major Burns will be out of your tent in 24 hours!: A chest cutter.: Nope. sighs: I'll try, damn it. You can't ask any more than that. : What color was her hair?: Black, shiny. Shiny black hair.: Black. You like black, huh?

I'm kinda partial to blondes myself.: I knew it. I knew you had a -had an attraction for Hotlips Houlihan.: Hear, hear.: Go to Hell, Captain Pierce. You know I damn near puke every time I look at her. 'Sides, I'll bet she's not a real blond.: How dare you say that about an officer of the United States Army, sir.: I'll not only say it, but I'll back it with twenty bucks, how's that?: You have yourself a bet, sir. to Trapper: You're my witness.: I'll be a witness, but who's going to be the poor schmuck who finds out?: We.

We gotta all see it together. : hostile tone of voice What are you two HOODLUMS doing in this hospital?: Ma'am, we are surgeons and we are here to operate. We just waiting for a starting time.

That's all.: You can't even go near a patient until Col. Merrill says its ok and he's still out to lunch.: Look, mother, I want to go to work in one hour. We are the Pros from Dover and we figure to crack this kid's chest and get out to golf course before it gets dark.

So you go find the gas-passer and you have him pre-medicate this patient. Then bring me the latest pictures on him. The ones we saw must be 48 hours old by now. Then call the kitchen and have them rustle us up some lunch. turns to Hakweye: Ham and eggs will all right.

turns back to Capt. Peterson: Steak would be even better. And then give me at least ONE nurse who knows how to work in close without getting her tits in my way.: outraged Oh! turns to leave and bumps into Nurse in Japan: Oh! stomps out of ward Nurse in Japan: How do you want your steak cooked? : Frank Burns does not know his way around an operating theater, he does not know his way around a body.

And if you will have observed anything, you will have observed that Major Frank Burns is an idiot. He has flipped his wig, that he's out of his head, that he's a lousy surgeon.: Oh on the contrary, I have observed. And Major Burns is not only a good technical surgeon, he is a good military surgeon. I have also noticed that nurses as well as enlisted men address you as 'Hawkeye'.: Yes because that's my name, Hawkeye Pierce.: Well that kind of informality is inconsistent with maximum efficiency in a military organization.: Oh come off it, MAJOR!

You put me right off my fresh fried lobster, do you realize that? I'm now going to go back to my bed, I'm going to put away the best part of a bottle of scotch. And under normal circumstances, you being normally what I would call a very attractive woman, I would have invited you back to share my little bed with me you might possibly have come.

But you really put me off. You're what we call a regular army clown. Trapper has just opened a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer: I see you are a beer drinker, sir. Would you care for a martini?: A martini?

Yeah, I'd love a martini.: to Ho-Jon Ho-Jon, get the gentleman a martini. to Trapper: I'm sure you will find them satisfactory. They're quite dry. sips from his glass: Don't you guys use olives?: Olives?

Where in the hell do you think we are, man?: We have had to make certain concessions for the war; we ARE three miles from the front line.: Yes, but you really can't savor a martini without an olive, you know. reaches into coat pocket and pulls out a jar of cocktail olives, while Hawkeye and Duke stare dumbfounded: You see, otherwise, it just doesn't. he drops the olive into the glass on the last word. first lines: Radar.: Yes, sir. I'll get ahold of Major Burns.: I want you to get a hold of Major Burns.Tell him to hold a couple day surgeons over into the night shift.: Tell him we're going to have hold a couple of surgeons over from the day shift out of the night shift.: I'll put in a call to General Hammond in Seoul.: Get General Hammond down there in Seoul, tell him to send us those new surgeons right away.I hope he sends us those two new surgeons. We're sure gonna need'em.

Leaves: What was that, sir?: I gave everything to Radar.: What? : What's that?: That's a martin-eye, Frank.: Finest kind. We're training Ho Jon to be a bartender. Would you care to embribe, sir?: I don't drink.: Jesus Christ, I think he means it.: I think we've been had, Hawkeye.: I think you're right, babe.: I don't think it's right to involve a boy who's not seventeen years old yet.: Hey you make a mean martini there, Ho Jon. You keep it up, you hear?: Frank begins praying You ever catch this syndrome before, babe?: No, not with anyone beyond the age of eight years old, I haven't. : after practicing golf shots on heli-pad with Hawkeye, a pilot along with Vollmer comes to talk to him Lieutenant! You look terrible!

Captain look at his eyes. Let me see your tongue. inserts cigar as thermometer: Oh no, no, here take your shirt off and tell me where it hurts.

I haven't seen a case like this since I was in school, oh my goodness. Listen, Vollmer, tell them to prepare for major surgery, this is one case in five, I think I can save you Lieutenant. handing lieutenant golf balls: Lieutenant, I think I can save you. Look, take one of these every half hour, now get into your helicopter, and button up your shirt for crying out loud! You're in a military army! : In the mess tent.

Hawkeye and Duke stroll in and help themselves Who are those men? Friends of yours, Murrhardt?: No, sir, first time I ever seen them.: Maybe those are the replacements.: Oh don't be silly. We're expecting some real sharp surgeons.: I guess they just got separated from their unit and are looking for something to eat.: They got a hell of a nerve coming in here, eating our food. Hawkeye and Duke sit down beside Lt. Dish: Sitting beside Lt. Dish, who is speaking to her friends I think I'm in love.

Uhraises voice: Uh, you see, the truth is, Lieutenant, I don't have anything to do tonight. I just got in to town and, uh, well, I thought maybe you could show me around.: Captain, I think if you will notice the lieutenant's beautiful hand, she is definitely married.: Well I'm the commanding officer and I'm going to get to the bottom of this.: Boy, Bandini, they're eating in here because they want to.